Learning To Love Again
By Chelsea Derochea – October 31, 2011 7:30 PM ET
Scarlet Macon is slouched on the couch with her arms wrapped around her legs, which are curled to her stomach with her hair up in a messy bun. She has on a matching pair of sweat pants and sweatshirt sporting her college’s name. Scarlet Macon is a junior at Bridgewater State University, has made the Dean’s List, has a steady relationship, and is a member of the National Guard. To the naked eye she is just a typical college student who is excelling in her studies and personal life. One might over look her cold, blocked off body language by interpreting as cool and collected. Little do most know; there’s a dark pain hidden beneath the layer of baggy clothes that hangs off her body. Macon underwent an abortion at the young age of 15 in 2006 and has regretted her decision ever since.
It was her sophomore year in high school. Macon was already a shoe in to be captain of the school’s soccer team and had just made the honor roll. She had fallen in love for the first time and everything felt right, as if it had fallen into place. Then, after twelve pregnancy tests, all with plus signs, Macon’s world forever changed. “It felt like the whole world was flipped upside down, ya know?” Macon said, “Like everything I achieved up to that point didn’t matter because it was all about to be ruined just because of this thing growing inside me.”
With her world at a stand still, Macon knew she had to make a decision. She immediately ran to her cousin’s house where she cried and searched for guidance. That’s when Macon realized she didn’t know as much about sex as she thought. “I never knew you could get pregnant if the guy pulled out. I figured if it’s out, it’s out and, ya know, you’re safe. But I guess you’re not at all, obviously,” said Macon.
Macon and her cousin went over her three options of either keeping the child, giving it up for adoption, or undergoing an abortion. Macon knew right away that adoption was not an option for her. Macon said, even if it seemed selfish, she just knew she couldn’t handle seeing her baby and then letting it go.
She had an idea that she was going to choose abortion. She knew she wasn’t going to tell her boyfriend of the time. She reasoned that she didn’t want to make anyone else go through the pain staking decision that she was going through. She felt that there was bliss in ignorance. She also wanted it to be only her decision because it involved her body. She didn’t want to tell her father either. As a strict conservative his entire life, she felt he would pressure her to keep the child whether she felt she could handle it or not. So she decided to discuss her situation with her mother before making a clear-cut decision. “Well, when she told me I cried. I didn’t want to believe that about my baby and then it was just like, okay Scarlet, let’s do what we gotta do. Let’s get this taken care of quick and move on,” said Betty Macon, Scarlet Macon’s mother with tear filled eyes and a shaky voice.
By the end of the month Scarlet Macon had underwent the abortion and was physically healing. Emotionally, she would be healing for the rest of her life. Macon found herself trying to self medicate through alcohol; getting blacked out drunk became the norm for 5 out of 7 days of the week. She tried to feel good about herself by having sex, thinking it would make her feel pretty again. She became reckless; sleeping with anyone that would give her attention when she threw herself at them. She hoped it would make her feel loved. “I was completely destroyed, pretty fucked up. Like, you lose a huge chunk of yourself and don’t know who you are anymore,” Macon paused, trying to regain her composure, she continued, “I screwed around, drank away misery, tried everything I could to forget and I felt numb… like I was incapable of love.” As hard as Macon is on herself, she sits tall like there are invisible guards up helping her stay strong. She looks straightforward like she is facing the world head on without fear, being open about her decision, how she has coped and her regret. But staring into her glass blue eyes, one can see she is trying her damned hardest not to shatter.
As the years passed, Macon grew to regret her decision more and more. One of her biggest upsets with herself was that she didn’t consider the fetus to be a child. As time passed, she grew to see it as a child and she felt like a murderer. She said that’s the reason why she felt like she was unable to feel love. “It was a child with potential not a potential child,” Macon said, “That could’ve potentially had my big, blue eyes or curly hair or be in my arms right now. But they’re not… because I killed them.”
Research shows that Macon is not the only one who felt that way about her decision or the fetus she aborted. According to http://www.abortionfacts.com/reardon/statistics.asp, only 26% of women who have underwent abortions considered the fetus to be human at the time whereas a whopping 97% considered the fetus to be human now. Also, a stacking 95% are not at all satisfied with their decision to abort now.
For Macon, each day is a challenge she forces herself to get past. She wakes up feeling numb, goes through the daily motions, and goes to bed feeling numb. Healing after an abortion is a process that takes a lifetime but she is slowly taking baby steps to try to feel better again. Each night, no matter how numb she feels, she looks in the mirror at herself. She says she wrote positive words all over it that make her think of the good things in her life and about her rather than that one decision she made that she regrets.
“I wrote things like beautiful, Dean’s List, girlfriend of three years, National Guard, smart, hard worker,” Macon paused with a smile spread across her face and said, “And maybe one day if I keep this up… I’ll be writing happy.”
Macon also says that exercising has really helped her in the healing process. She describes how running has helped keep her head on straight. When she runs she feels untouchable and like the past is finally behind her even though she knows it is always there.
“For me, running isn’t symbolic of running away from the past but rather running towards her future. Running at full speed towards happiness and I can almost taste it,” says Macon with glimmering eyes.
Macon is coping with her decision by going to group meetings with other girls who have gone through the same thing. They share their experiences with each other and bond over their past choices that seem to haunt all of them. They form a close-knit family of understanding where judgment is left at the door. She is hoping it will help her love again, starting with herself. Macon hopes that girls faced with an unwanted pregnancy will research all of their options and be as sure as they can be of their decision. She urges this because she doesn’t want any other girl to go through what she has gone through in her life and live each day with the heavy weight of regret that she does. They can go to http://www.knowledgeisempowering.com/pregnancy-options.html for help in making their decision and the affects it has on them.
It was her sophomore year in high school. Macon was already a shoe in to be captain of the school’s soccer team and had just made the honor roll. She had fallen in love for the first time and everything felt right, as if it had fallen into place. Then, after twelve pregnancy tests, all with plus signs, Macon’s world forever changed. “It felt like the whole world was flipped upside down, ya know?” Macon said, “Like everything I achieved up to that point didn’t matter because it was all about to be ruined just because of this thing growing inside me.”
With her world at a stand still, Macon knew she had to make a decision. She immediately ran to her cousin’s house where she cried and searched for guidance. That’s when Macon realized she didn’t know as much about sex as she thought. “I never knew you could get pregnant if the guy pulled out. I figured if it’s out, it’s out and, ya know, you’re safe. But I guess you’re not at all, obviously,” said Macon.
Macon and her cousin went over her three options of either keeping the child, giving it up for adoption, or undergoing an abortion. Macon knew right away that adoption was not an option for her. Macon said, even if it seemed selfish, she just knew she couldn’t handle seeing her baby and then letting it go.
She had an idea that she was going to choose abortion. She knew she wasn’t going to tell her boyfriend of the time. She reasoned that she didn’t want to make anyone else go through the pain staking decision that she was going through. She felt that there was bliss in ignorance. She also wanted it to be only her decision because it involved her body. She didn’t want to tell her father either. As a strict conservative his entire life, she felt he would pressure her to keep the child whether she felt she could handle it or not. So she decided to discuss her situation with her mother before making a clear-cut decision. “Well, when she told me I cried. I didn’t want to believe that about my baby and then it was just like, okay Scarlet, let’s do what we gotta do. Let’s get this taken care of quick and move on,” said Betty Macon, Scarlet Macon’s mother with tear filled eyes and a shaky voice.
By the end of the month Scarlet Macon had underwent the abortion and was physically healing. Emotionally, she would be healing for the rest of her life. Macon found herself trying to self medicate through alcohol; getting blacked out drunk became the norm for 5 out of 7 days of the week. She tried to feel good about herself by having sex, thinking it would make her feel pretty again. She became reckless; sleeping with anyone that would give her attention when she threw herself at them. She hoped it would make her feel loved. “I was completely destroyed, pretty fucked up. Like, you lose a huge chunk of yourself and don’t know who you are anymore,” Macon paused, trying to regain her composure, she continued, “I screwed around, drank away misery, tried everything I could to forget and I felt numb… like I was incapable of love.” As hard as Macon is on herself, she sits tall like there are invisible guards up helping her stay strong. She looks straightforward like she is facing the world head on without fear, being open about her decision, how she has coped and her regret. But staring into her glass blue eyes, one can see she is trying her damned hardest not to shatter.
As the years passed, Macon grew to regret her decision more and more. One of her biggest upsets with herself was that she didn’t consider the fetus to be a child. As time passed, she grew to see it as a child and she felt like a murderer. She said that’s the reason why she felt like she was unable to feel love. “It was a child with potential not a potential child,” Macon said, “That could’ve potentially had my big, blue eyes or curly hair or be in my arms right now. But they’re not… because I killed them.”
Research shows that Macon is not the only one who felt that way about her decision or the fetus she aborted. According to http://www.abortionfacts.com/reardon/statistics.asp, only 26% of women who have underwent abortions considered the fetus to be human at the time whereas a whopping 97% considered the fetus to be human now. Also, a stacking 95% are not at all satisfied with their decision to abort now.
For Macon, each day is a challenge she forces herself to get past. She wakes up feeling numb, goes through the daily motions, and goes to bed feeling numb. Healing after an abortion is a process that takes a lifetime but she is slowly taking baby steps to try to feel better again. Each night, no matter how numb she feels, she looks in the mirror at herself. She says she wrote positive words all over it that make her think of the good things in her life and about her rather than that one decision she made that she regrets.
“I wrote things like beautiful, Dean’s List, girlfriend of three years, National Guard, smart, hard worker,” Macon paused with a smile spread across her face and said, “And maybe one day if I keep this up… I’ll be writing happy.”
Macon also says that exercising has really helped her in the healing process. She describes how running has helped keep her head on straight. When she runs she feels untouchable and like the past is finally behind her even though she knows it is always there.
“For me, running isn’t symbolic of running away from the past but rather running towards her future. Running at full speed towards happiness and I can almost taste it,” says Macon with glimmering eyes.
Macon is coping with her decision by going to group meetings with other girls who have gone through the same thing. They share their experiences with each other and bond over their past choices that seem to haunt all of them. They form a close-knit family of understanding where judgment is left at the door. She is hoping it will help her love again, starting with herself. Macon hopes that girls faced with an unwanted pregnancy will research all of their options and be as sure as they can be of their decision. She urges this because she doesn’t want any other girl to go through what she has gone through in her life and live each day with the heavy weight of regret that she does. They can go to http://www.knowledgeisempowering.com/pregnancy-options.html for help in making their decision and the affects it has on them.